Wishy-Washy

In the NHL

NHL player Dennis Wideman of the Calgary Flames has been suspended for 20 games for cross-checking a referee from behind.

The referee will also be suspended 5 games for embellishment as most Canadian’s agree ‘he didn’t even hit em that hard.’

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Turkish Delight 

New article from  the BBC on Turkish military is a bit nightmarish. There is mandatory military service for all men (a nightmare in itself if you’re not into the killing people thing) unless you are mentally ill, disabled or?….HOMOSEXUAL! (clearly a form of mental disability).

It gets better.

You have to prove that you are homosexual! (we wouldn’t want any pacifists or conscientious objectors escaping duty based on principals under the guise of sucking a cock every now and then, would we?) You have to prove you are homosexual with photo evidence. It isn’t enough to be engaged in a sex act with another man either. You’re face must be visible and you must be in the receiving position (of anal sex, getting blown by another guy doesn’t qualify as gay enough to get you out of military service)!  -now I make just about everything in this blog up, but sadly I am not making this up…HOW INSANE!

But after I had time to think:

-mandatory military service is fucked up

-classifying homosexuality as a mental disorder is fucked up

-requiring photos with the above quantifiers is fucked up, and seems to be as much about shaming these people in a culture where homosexuality is frowned upon as it is keeping the military pure (another aspect of the process is asking that homosexual men dress up as women to strengthen their claims to homosexuality- note that should be obvious femininity and homosexuality are not the same thing anyway)

Then I thought, isn’t it a strange way to prove that someone else is gay by requesting photographs of them fucking?

Like Scenario 1: ” ah hey, Robinson, ah we think you might be gay and I, I mean we at the military would be very much obliged if you could provide us with some ah, pictures of you taking it in your butt…I mean it’s not for me personally , but ah, yeah…do you have anything like that that I could look at?” What, other than the performing the act itself could be ‘gayer’ than asking for pictures of the act to ogle ?

and then later

Scenario 2: “Doctor, we want to congratulate you on your excellent work on proving that these men were indeed homosexuals. We are promoting you…. Sadly we are also dishonorably discharging you. ” The Doctor is shocked, “but why?!”  “Well doc, we went through your office last night and we found all these gay pornographic photos. None of them are of you receiving, with your face showing, but we have determined by sheer volume of photographs in your possession that you too must be one of them retard-queers. Adios.”

If you are ‘proven’ to be homosexual, you are given a ‘pink slip’ and discharged from the military or exempted from service. However, this pink slip stays with you and if in the future you apply for employment your record shows that you were exempt or discharged from military service because of homosexuality- which as mentioned before, in a culture none to disposed towards homosexuality can be damning.

…you can google this or check it out on the bbc website, I found the link on reddit

What a world.

or as my brother likes to say:

“If there is a GOD and it does return to Earth don’t you think It’s gunna be pissed? It’s gunna take one look around and say, ‘ what the fuck did you do!? Where are all the animals I made?! Where are all the trees!? What the fuck are you doing to each other !?'”

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Do the Dew

There was once a time when there were real wishes granted. Real big ones too. Every so often the GODS would take a special liking to one person or animal or another and decide that the creature had enough merit or integrity to bestow a wish upon this lucky soul. The idea was to grant the lesser creatures the momentary chance to play god to an extent, and see how they fared.  The GODS were often confident in their selections of wish recipients and also never not let down for by the outcome.

Did you know that Jesus had a wish granted? Yup. It was right before he went on trial, the trial that led to his crucifixion. A couple of Gods had really admired the work of Jesus up until this point and decided to grant him a wish, thinking that Jesus would wish for the universal heart opening that would not only ensure world peace but would also lead to his release from bondage. Nope. Jesus wished for the power to make any woman he chose act like a dog.

When the Pharisees brought Jesus to trial, it was originally just meant to be a slap on the wrist. No one wanted Jesus crucified at the time. He was a good guy! Everyone thought so, he was just saying things that were a little too true and pissing off the people in power. The plan was to scare Jesus into shutting up, so that the priest class could go on peacefully exploiting their people as always. But alas it wasn’t to be. For as soon as the trial opened Jesus commanded all the wives of the priest class to get down on the ground and act like dogs and they did. Barking, and sniffing each other’s buttholes, and lifting their legs to piss on the witness stand, one wife stared playing fetch with Pilot’s gavel etc…

Pontius Pilot yelled out, “Enough! Enough already! Stop this at once!” to which Jesus smirked and commanded that Pilot’s wife too be stricken with the dog fever. This was enough for banishment for Jesus, a much steeper sentence than that originally planned, but things took a nasty turn when I wild pack of male dogs in heat, overhearing the barking, jumped through the windows of the court room in a hailstorm of shattered glass, howling, frothing and horny as hell…. it took half a battalion of Rome’s finest to pull those dog’s off those wives.

You know what happened next. Few hours later Jesus is up on the cross. The Gods took mercy once again ( or maybe it was a double or nothing bet between a couple of Gods) and asked Jesus if he wanted to try and rectify the situation with one more wish. “Jesus Christ, YES!” said Jesus. The Gods were held in suspense. What would his wish be? “I wish I had an ice cold Mountain Dew!”  The Roman soldiers overheard this and cheered! and started chanting “Do the Dew! Do the Dew ! Do the Dew!” Mary Magdalene pushed her way through the crowd, climbed upon a chair that was serendipitously placed right next to the cross, and started pouring ice cold Dew into the hot open mouth of Jesus.

Jesus spat the Dew out all over Mary Magdalene’s face. “You dumb whore!” he screamed. “That is diet caffeine free Mountain Dew! I wanted fucking regular Mountain Dew! NO ONE would wish for fucking diet, caffeine free, mountain dew. Aaarrrgghhh! I should have let those men stone you! Jesus! Come on!” But Jesus had a big heart, and was quick to see his mistake. He sighed and shook his head and his last words were, “Sorry. Lord forgive them, they know not what they DEW!!”

Gandhi wasn’t much better. After a lifetime of working, and meditating and marching for civil rights and after 21 days of consecutive fasting all Gandhi wished for was “A big bight out of Nciki Minaj’s ass.”

These are some of the milder cases as you can imagine. After some saintly retard from backwoods Iowa wished for a second Bush to be elected president of the United States, the major wish granting policies of the Gods were indefinitely suspended.

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The Clinic

Me and my old lady suspected that she was pregnant (she had a watermelon belly at this point) and so we went to the doctor’s to get an x-ray or whatever.

Doctor says, “WoW! Congratulations! You are having quadruplets!”

and I says, “what are that?”

and he says, “that mean’s you’re having four babies.”

and I says, “hell doc, we cant afford but one. Listen doc, go ahead and abort 3 babies. We only be needin’ the one”

The doctor says, “well….Ok. I’m progressive I can do that…but which one do I keep? Which one don’t I abort ?

and I says, “doc, that should be obvious, specially to man, with as much learnin as yoself. Keep the one with the biggest pecker.”

and he says, “but sir…from the ultrasound it- ”

and I says, “what’s that?”

and he says, “what’s what?”

and I says, “that ultra what? One, my boys gunna be an ultra somethin? Ultra pecker or a quarterback or what?”

and he says, “ah…oh no. I mean from the ‘x-ray’, if you will, it looks like all of the babies are girls.”

and I said, “Girls! All girls?! ah hell, just make it four abortions then…do we get like a special price for four? Like 4 for the the price of one? They got deals like that at the Walmart sometimes.”

and the doctor says, “No.”

and I said, “ah shoot. well…say doc, do you know where there might happen to be alot a stairs nearby?”

and he says, “well there is a pretty tall escalator at the mall.”

and I says, “perfect, that way when she hits the bottom she’ll be brought right back up to the top and we can try again, if need be, or if she’s actin up.”

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B-Side Wishes

There are still wishes granted, but no longer big wishes. The days of anything-goes-your-wish-is-my-command are done…but you can still get little wishes. We call em B-side wishes….and you don’t get to choose your wishes, the GODS choose for you. The universe throws you a bone.

For instance, a friend of mine gets a free candy bar from any vending machine she chooses, but only every three times she pays for one. Not bad. Like I said, B-sides.

I heard of another guy who’s cd’s never skip, no matter how scratched. Cool huh?

My boss thought he had a granted wish and that because of it that his shit don’t stink…but it does. It surely does.

My wife’s auntie had a pretty good one. Her auntie, auntie Tamatha, was living with us for a spell, in a little three room flat with thin walls. Walls that hid nothing (you can start to imagine some of the things we had to learn to do silently heh-heh-heh, anyway). Often my wife and I would be lying in bed and we would hear aunt Tam get up in the night to use the bathroom. The process was completely uniform. Bedroom door opens, auntie creeps down the hall, bathroom door opens, bathroom door closes, light flicks on, toilet seat comes down…and then SHE BLOWS HER NOSE! Auntie Tamatha would always blow her nose the moment she sat on the pot! And my wife and I would giggle silently. Why does she always blow her nose first thing in the bathroom?

Well one night I got angry, wife and I had a fight about what type of flavored crust to get on our pizza, so I went out and got drunk at Kelly’s Bar, and I come home late and I forgot about auntie. So I trudge in and go right to the bathroom and pull the door open without thinking and there is Tam and she blows her nose and a dime comes out!

It turns out that auntie Tamatha gets one dime every time she blows her nose, but in a given day the final value of nose dimes will never exceed $2.50 (believe me she has tried for more) which explains why she was blowing her nose at least 25 times a day.

How about that?

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